After 364 days of waiting, last night it happened - the live broadcast of the 81st annual Academy Awards. In my living room I had assembled the most fantastic group of celeb loving ladies, and we feasted on a spread of goodies so decadent and rich, at the end of the night I considered applying for the next season of the Biggest Loser.
Just before the show began, ABC ran a segment featuring the Oscar's set designer in which he explained that the "curtain" at this year's Oscars was not made of fabric, but Swarovski crystals. Price tag: MILLIONS of dollars. No recession at the Kodak theater!
The show began with first time host Hugh Jackman explaining that the Academy told him due to the recession, he couldn't do an opening number (translation, the crystal curtain has more star power than you do). Well, the Academy should know, no one tells Wolverine what to do! Jackman does an opening number anyway!
Now, as a stage veteran, Jackman should have wow-ed the audience with his musical number recapping each of the nominated films, but instead the set and props were painfully budget, and Jackman did a very bizarre, spaced themed dance about "The Reader" that had me hiding behind a couch pillow in shame. The performance was one part comedy, three parts total humiliation.
The first award of the night was for Supporting Actress, and began a routine that would continue for three more awards that night - 5 past winners give short monologues about the work of this year's nominees. This was an excellent and touching concept in theory, but a painfully slow and boring routine in execution. Some presenters were reading from the teleprompter, some presenters were winging it, and some were roasting old friends (ahem, Robert DeNiro to Sean Penn). The only redeeming moment of this past winner presentation was Whoopi Goldberg's words to fellow nun, Amy Adams. Any time is a good time for a Sister Act reference.
For the next 90 minutes the award show dragged on with montages of several film genres, awards no one cares about, and musical numbers that had nothing to do with the nominated films. Hugh Jackman, Beyonce, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Amanda Seyfried and Dominic Cooper performed a tribute to classic musicals and the entire time I had two thoughts:
1) When is Beyonce going to bust into "All the Single Ladies"
2) How the hell did Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens get onto the Oscar stage? Oh right, Disney owns ABC. Gotta love that cross promotion!
Despite the slow pace of the show, and the seemingly endless themed montages, the night did have some great moments. Here are some of my favorites:
- Tina Fey and Steve Martin presenting the two writing awards, further proving SNL is the groomer of brilliant comedic talent.
- Slumdog's writer's acceptance speech. "There are some places I never dreamed of being able to stand: on the moon, at the South pole, on the Miss World podium and right here, accepting an Oscar".
- The acceptance speech from MILK's writer, a baby faced young gay man urging the viewers to bring equal rights to all people and ensuring the gay and lesbian people watching- you are loved. Tissue please!
- The camera cutting back and forth between Jennifer Aniston on stage and Brad and Angelina in the front row, just feet away from her. Jen. Angie. Jen. Angie. This is my favorite kind of ping pong.
- The hilarious clip of James Franco and Seth Rogan watching the nominated films and having supremely inappropriate reactions. Amazing.
- James Franco announcing the winner of one of the documentary categories, and completely butchering the name of the film. Its ok, we don't really care about that category anyway.
- Ben Stiller impersonating Joaquin Phoenix, as he behaved during his recent appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman.
- The winner of the Best Animated Short category giving his speech in broken English (native language is Japanese) and ending his speech with "Mr. Roboto".
- A nominee for Best Animated Short film is titled "Lavatory Lovestory". Now this I need to see!
- Allen Alda flipping around Philip Seymour Hoffman's name and addressing him as "Seymour Philip Hoffman". That's what you get for wearing a ski cap to the most formal night of the year in Hollywood.
- The beautiful, humble and moving speech given by Heath Ledger's family when he won for Best Supporting Actor. Both mother and sister were wearing stunning gowns as well.
- Will Smith announcing the nominees for Best Visual Effects explaining "anyone who can turn Brad Pitt inot a garden gnome deserves to be honored." Touche, Will.
- The Bollywood/John Legend musical collaboration.
- Danny Boyle accepting the Best Director award for Slumdog and jumping up and down saying "Many years ago I promised my children if I ever won this award, I would accept in the spirit of Tigger."
- Kate Winslet winning for Best Actress and asking her father to whistle so she can locate him and begin waving like a 5 year old in glee to see him watching her.
- Sean Penn winning for Best Actor in MILK and opening with "You Commy, Homo Loving Sons of Guns."
- Slumdog Millionaire winning Best Picture and someone other than the game show host speaking for the group. Thank you for keeping that man away from the mic! Side note - I want to adopt all the Slumdog kids, immediately if not sooner.
Now onto the good stuff! My picks for best and worst dressed!
BEST:
1) Natalie Portman - Love the pink. Perfectly fitted, age appropriate, hair and make up to match. Perfection.
2) Angelina Jolie - Stunning black dress, fit perfectly, beautifully accented with piercing green earrings and a cocktail ring. With a slightly darker shade of lipstick, this would have been my number one.
3) Tina Fey - This is the year of Tina Fey and last night was no exception. A witty presentation with Steve Martin and a gorgeous, sparkling, fitted dress for the occasion. Home run, Tina!
4) Diane Lane - Present to support her husband Josh Brolin (nominated for MILK) Diane sizzles in a sexy black strapless gown. As one of my viewing party guests commented "Don't they always look they've just had sex and their dying to go at it again right now?". Why yes, yes they do.
5) Daniel Craig - Bond, James, Bond. Hot, Smokin, Hot.
6) Viola Davis - New to the A list scene, Viola shined in a plunging, deep V, gold dress, with gorgeous gold eye make up to match.
7) Penelope Cruz - Although I was not a fan of this dress on the red carpet, and especially not a fan of her tight bun hair do, the dress grew on me through out the night and wound up one of my favorites. The intricate detail is actually quite stunning.
8) Taraji P. Henson - The woman once nominated for "Hustle and Flow" shows us that she cleans up good! Taraji's high energy is infectious, and she brought this white gown to life.
WORST:
1) Jessica Biel - Unless you and Justin just shared a steamy romp in the limo, there is no excuse for that hair do. Additionally, that dress is nothing but a tube of fabric with a poor hem. Big time "miss".
2) Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick - First of all, SJP, as a symbol of style it is not appropriate for you to dress in gown that has your cleavage practically spilling over the top, and giving America the impression you have arm fat. Secondly, Matthew, please do not highlight your hair with sun-in. That's SO 7th grade.
3) Tilda Swinton - I have no idea how this woman has a career in Hollywood. Total train wreck.
4) Whoopi Goldberg - PETA will be launching an attack on Whoopi for the slaying of the cheetah used to make her awful dress. She looks cheap and pregnant! And what is that massive tattoo on her chest? No, no, no.
5) Mickey Rourke - The white suit is so very Saturday night fever, and the necklace with the photo of his dog is very Trailer Park.
6) Amanda Seyfreid - Mamma Mia, its a human Christmas present!
7) Philip Seymour Hoffman - A ski cap? Really? Oscar feels disrespected.
8) Miley Cyrus - The petals on the skirt of this dress look like you could snap them off and take a bite out of one. A dress should say elegance, not sugar cookie.
9) Beyonce - Girrrrrl! I hate to do this to ya, but that dress is just not flattering! Let me guess, your Mama designed it? And where is your most important accessory, Jay-Z?
10) Freida Pinto - Freida, it pains me to even put you on this list. The dress itself is not so bad, but its more the disturbing truth that a girl with your stunning beauty could have looked out of this world amazing, and you settled for something just "eh".
11) Vanessa Hudgens - Vanessa, you should be thanking your lucky stars you even scored a ticket to this event. Your dress was a mess of black fabric, and hardly demonstrative of your youthful spirit and beauty. Fire your stylist, call up Rachel Zoe.
Well, there you have it, the best and worst moments, and the best and worst wardrobe choices of Oscar 2009. Oscar, if you can hear me, take the lead from your musical cousin Grammy, and only broadcast the 10 best awards, and hand out the rest off air. Until then, we're just not that into you.
