I can't remember the last time I was this excited for a television show premiere. I can't explain why, but for some reason I was down right giddy about tonight. Maybe it's because it's the first full week back at work after a two week vacation and I needed something to look forward to or maybe it's because the first night of every "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette" season is just a hot mess. Just like you can always count on host Chris Harrison to be charming and hilarious, you can always count on the ladies to over share and to be over served. Let's drive up to the mansion, shall we?
Meet Sean
This year's "Bachelor" is Sean Lowe, a.k.a. Ken doll. Sean was rejected by Emily Maynard last season (fool) and now he's back to find a lady of his own. In the intro package we see multiple shots of Sean shirtless. I mean, is the "Bachelor" a gift to single women everywhere or what?
Also, if the "Bachelor" had a formal drinking game, it would be to take a shot every time someone says "journey." Oy.
Sean sounded a bit like a cave man when he said, "I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have and I want to be the best possible man I can be for her." I was surprised he didn't grunt at the end of that monologue.
It's clear why Sean didn't pursue a career in acting when he practiced multiple ways to "Will you accept this rose?" Even Arie couldn't keep a straight face.
Video Packages
Tierra - How cute was she when she found out the "Bachelor" is Sean? She truly seemed ecstatic. In fact, she reminded me of Ashley Hebert, especially because they both share an obsession with their teeny tiny dogs.
Sarah - I have to say, I think it's very brave that Sarah came on the "Bachelor." This is a show notorious for casting bikini babes and to throw yourself into that mix with a visible disability like having one arm is incredibly courageous. I hope Sean is open minded and sees her beautiful spirit. I did after only watching her for two minutes.
Ashley P. - Ok, so she's a hair stylist. Who loves her cat and is obsessed with "50 Shades of Grey." Pretty much describes every late 20s single woman in America, that is until she shouted, "Spank me!" right into the camera. Oy.
Lesley - The young blond from D.C. would make the perfect Barbie to Sean's Ken. Maybe she can put that on her campaign poster!
AshLee F. - I went from smiling and laughing as she talked about her life as a professional organizer to feeling incredibly sad when she talked about being moved from six different foster homes. I think she is going to be the "it's hard for me to open up" one this season.
Please tell me why every girl in these video packages has a small dog? What the?
The Limo Arrivals
The first girl out of the limo is AshLee F. looking radiant in red.
She is followed by Jackie who whips out a tube of red lipstick and says, "I want to put my mark on you." Clever.
The producers then change the music to Latin love tunes when Selma walks out of the limo. I was half waiting for Puss in Boots to join her.
Next up is Daniella who could have been cute with her suggestion of a secret handshake, but wrecked it by making it 10 minutes long.
Kelly from Nashville comes flying out of the limo with her spray tan, her white dress and her custom song for Sean. I mean, you have to hand it to the girl, singing is brave!
Katie the yoga teacher totally had him in her hot pink dress, but swiftly ruined the moment when he noticed she wasn't wearing any shoes!
Ashley P. is back and she can't resist brining up "50 Shades of Grey." She even pulls a grey tie out of the top of her dress! Overkill.
When Taryn walks up, Sean blurts out, "You are gorgeous!" Pick your tongue up off the floor, Sean!
Then came Robyn who attempted to impress Sean with gymnastics but fell. How mortifying!
Lacey, whose friends call her "Lace," brought a lace heart and handed it to Sean. She looked like a model off the pages of Maxim.
When Paige walked out I thought - this girl looks familiar. She immediately admits she was on "Bachelor Pad" and then it all comes back to me. She had a crush on Reid!
Out comes Tierra and within the first minute Sean says "Wait right here." Then we cut to commercial. Right away I thought - he's giving her the first impression rose. We come back from commercial and sure enough - nailed it! He hands her the first rose.
Next is Amanda with the megawatt smile. She tells Sean, "Let's get our awkward pause out of the way now." Cute, but not memorable.
Then comes Kerriann whose hair is bordering on dreadlocks. She guilts Sean by saying, "Just so you know, I drove 2,775 miles for a shot with you." Cookie?
Desiree the bridal consultant steps out next. She's wearing a beautiful, open back, red dress and she has brought pennies for them to throw into the fountain and make a wish. Cute.
Sarah walks out in a stunning white dress and tells Sean this is exactly how she always envisioned falling in love. If he was alarmed by her arm, he didn't show it at all.
Brooke walks up with swagger. I am talking, an intentional saunter. She looks like she could eat Sean for lunch.
Lesley, a.k.a. Barbie, shows up with a football and pretends to run a play just so she can stare at Sean's ass. Well played, Barbie.
Ashley H. (three Ashleys!) comes out and says, "Hi Ken, I'm Barbie." Oh honey, you wish. Was it just me or did she sound like a phone sex operator?
When Lauren gets her moment with Sean she chooses to say, "My dad says if you break my heart he'll break your legs." Oh, good one. That's not coming on too strong at all.
Lindsay stepped out of the limo in that white wedding dress and I actually said out loud, "Oh. My. God." My jaw dropped again when she forced a kiss on Sean.
Just when we thought the limo entrances were over, Chris Harrison tells Sean someone called specifically asking to come meet him. Kacie B. anyone?
We come back from commercial and . . . I'm right again! Kacie enters the mansion and of course, all the girls are pissed she is there. She had her chance with Ben and she wasn't chosen. Move on.
Cocktail Party
Kacie and Sean have some alone time and super smooth he asks, "Are you cold?" and he gives her his jacket.
Desiree admits she wants to design wedding dresses. She tells Sean that her brother had such a big impact on her and she claims she can throw a football with the best of them. As if those were the magic words, Sean reaches behind his chair and hands her a rose.
Sean starts handing out more roses and the girls go insane. Catherine says, "We were pissed but we had to put our lady faces back on." Don't be surprised if you hear me talk about my "lady face" for the rest of this week. Love it.
Then we see Ashley P. ("50 Shades of Grey") again. Hello, over served. She's dancing for no one, slurring her words and flaunting that tie in front of Sean's face again. Oh boy.
During the cocktail party Taryn starts crying about not being bold enough to fight for time with Sean. It is way too early in this process for tears! It only gets harder, honey.
My heart sank when Sarah talked about her arm and how that has affected her dating life. When she finally gets one on one time with Sean, he happily gives her a rose. Hurrah!
Rose Ceremony
Unlike any other "Bachelor" episode before this one, 12 girls already had roses. Sean only had to hand out seven roses. This was a welcomed changed as the rose ceremony usually takes up the full second hour of the show.
Sean gave the seven roses to, in order:
Amanda - the awkward pause girl
Lesley - the Barbie with the football
Kacie - the "Bachelor" rerun
Kristy - the Ford model
Daniella - Miss Secret Handshake
Taryn - who is starting to resemble Chelsea Handler in the close up shots
Lindsay - the wedding dress! This is the producer's pick for sure
The rest of the girls are sent packing includng Paige who has now been rejected by the entire "Bachelor" franchise. Pobrecita.
Previews
Sean travels the world to all kinds of exotic locations - mountains, deserts, islands, - and a slew of amusement parks to woo his ladies. Of course there is in fighting, but there is also apparently a party crasher - a dude who wants his girlfriend back. Awkward.
It looks like Tierra is going to be the girl the women love to hate (a la Courtney from Ben's season). There's always one. It seems her rise to the top is interrupted by a trip to the ER in the back of an ambulance.
In the final scene of the previews, Sean says with conviction that he knows who his wife is. We know better than that. I can't wait to see what curveball they throw at is this year during the finale!
Ok - prediction time! Just for fun, which girls do you think will be Sean's final two?
*Images courtesy of ABC.
